Day 2 sugar free. My head is pounding. But I don't feel cheated. I had a good lunch of homemade turkey soup. Hamburger steak and summer squash for dinner with fresh strawberries and walnuts for dessert. A teaspoon of Metamucil as preventive maintenance . This is all right. I should be detoxified in a few days.

Sugar-free Sunday

A blog about what someone eats. Or doesn't. How exciting! I write about this only because addictions have had such a hold on my life. I know that other people are slaves to habits as well. I'm interested in exploring what drives addiction. It's always emotion. The addiction is a symptom of a deeper spiritual malady. When I'm lonely, angry, depressed, sad, or under any kind of stress, stuffing my face with junk food is one way not to feel pain. Sugar is bad for me because I can never eat enough of it to fill the void. The fix is temporary. It doesn't last. I find it impossible to control the urge to overeat it, because once I taste it, I feel compelled to eat the whole store. What's so hard about giving it up?

1) Social pressure. Eating is a social activity. It's fun, and it is a way of connecting with others.
2) Good food is good! It's meant to be enjoyed.
3) Omnipresence of sugar and refined carbs. These foods dominate in the American diet.
4) Healthy food requires planning and forethought.

I want to enjoy good food, and I don't want to feel deprived or like I am missing something. Not eat cake on my birthday, or pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? I'm thinking, NFW! It's all about choice.

There's an interesting book, or series of books, by someone named Doug Kaufman, about a yeast-free diet. He likens the metabolism of a carb-addicted person to a still or microbrewery. It needs continuous feeding. If we can put out the fire, the cravings disappear.

It's only been one carb-free day this time, and the microbrewery is still operational. I still feel the cravings for starchy, sugary food. I had eggs and bacon, soup made from leftover turkey and lots of fresh vegetables, and lots of water today. When I came home tonight, I had some frozen berries (strawberries and raspberries) with chopped walnuts and a little whipping cream. It sure was good! Unlike ice cream, this treat doesn't have me going back again and again for second, third, fourth (you get the idea) portions!

I came home from church angry today. The minister and her husband have a 10-year old daughter who is ill-mannered. She doesn't greet people, lies down in the pews with her shoes on the cushions, interrupts conversations, and is generally disagreeable. I can't understand why her parents don't correct her. But (and please observe my "but") she's not my daughter, and I can't say anything. It's none of my business. I'm powerless! Sometimes the realization that I'm powerless makes me want to eat. But rather than do that, I think it's better to try to deal with the emotion. I know that I can apply the same technique to my emotions that I apply to cravings--I pray them away. I repeat the Lord's Prayer, or the Serenity Prayer--anything to distract myself. The words comfort me. A burger, fries, and shake would do the trick too, but this way, I don't disappear into a fog afterwards.

Days 1 and 2

Yesterday I decided to keep a diary of my addiction to sugar. I will be kicking sugar soon, and writing about the journey. I've been a sugar addict all my life. I am Type 2 diabetic and have tended to overweight all my life. This predilection runs in my family. I observe it in my nieces and nephews. They're all carb-crazed and overweight. I am too. I hide it. I hide the problem. I hide the eating. Sometimes it feels like sugar and junk food rule my life. I tell myself it's not that bad. Others tell me it's not that bad, but it is.

Carbs and sugar make me feel good. Bread, cereal, ice cream, chocolate, cakes, pies, cookies, sweet drinks all give me a kick and wrap me in their sweetness. But the good feeling only lasts as long as the stuff is in my mouth. Afterwards, I feel foggy, depressed, bloated, irritable, generally ill at ease. The next day I feel stuffed, sluggish, constipated, tired. the only things that can get me going are caffeine and more sugar.

I eat until I can't stand it anymore. Then I pour my stash down the sink or into the dumpster, with the words, "Never again." Sometimes my resolve lasts. Usually it only lasts until after lunch, when I'll grab a moon pie or bag of M and M's.

I've quit so many times. Two years ago, I was completely sugar free for 6-8 weeks. I felt great. My clothes fit better. People told me how great I looked. My mood was stable. I felt in control of my life. Why would I want to live any other way? I don't know. I'm an addict. Sugar is a stress reliever. It keeps me from having to feel pain--grief, rejection, guilt. When I'm stuffing my face, I don't feel.

This past summer, I was clean again for two months. So what happened? It's the same thing every time. I make a decision that I will have a sweet treat "just this once." This last time it was my birthday party. I love coconut cakes from Salem Kitchen. Dammit to hell, it was my birthday, and I was having a party, and I was going to have a piece of cake. After all, what kind of person doesn't eat cake at their own birthday party? Some kook on a cockamamie diet? That was well and good. But when the guests went home, I had a second piece. The next day, I didn't have any more. I didn't have any more sugar for the rest of the week. But I was white-knuckling the whole time. The damage had been done, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to stand it much longer.

I still fantasize about enjoying sweets in moderation, like a normal person. I don't think I can. I think I'm one of those people who cannot handle sugar. Neither can I handle alcohol or cigarettes. I've learned to live just fine without those things. I can learn to live without sugar as well.

I know when I start my sugar-free phases, it always seems that there will be nothing to eat. Actually, there's quite a lot, and I enjoy the foods I eat. Lean meats, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, cheese, eggs, bacon and cream are all wonderful foods that I enjoy. I can have those foods without overloading on them and without wreaking havoc on my system.

I've read all the books. The two most important are Sugar Blues by William Dufty and Sugar Shock by Connie Bennett. I can remember: when I was clean, I'd hear about these women who claimed to be victims of some external force compelling them to go to Starbucks every day for another Mocha Freeze. I thought, "What's the matter with them? Why don't they just stop? I did. . ." But, I get it. I'm there now. I will beat this thing.